I have an abominable track record with friendships; in keeping “good friends”, attracting some using, narcissistic assholes and making them. With blog posts, outlining some crazy bullshit, like that, it’s pissing me off.
There are so many articles out there about fake friends and what attracts them to you…. it could be a whole range of things that get the “wrong friends” for me:
When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was “jealous and envious of her”; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection (a reminder of unemphatic and inconsistent early childhood interactions by her mother), which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called “friendship’ the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship. You need to understand that it is nothing that you have done; her acts are because she responds to some events with extreme fear of abandonment – events that would have little meaning to a healthy person. However, all of this leads to a lot of confusion for those unlucky enough to be in a committed relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Once she has decided that the friendship is coming to its end, she now goes on to hunt for another source of narcissistic supply to fill the gap of the so called friend, and so the cycle continues.
She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity ….or anything in fact). Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet.
You will be left trying to reconcile how and why your friend’s empathy, altruism, and sincerity disappeared in an instant and unexpectedly transformed into a laser-focused crusade to hurt you. After careful consideration, you decide to let the whole situation go, as the cards are already heavily stacked against you. Unfortunately, it’s too late and the domino effect can’t be stopped as you learn through the grapevine that your former friend has masterminded a smear campaign that will culminate in an expressed directive to exclude you from all future group activities. The “out of left field” abandonment by your friends will add another layer of trauma and betrayal.
You will be left with a “WTF” set of feelings, while trying to piece together what happened and why. Similar to other victims of covert narcissists, you will sadly realize that your “friend” and the friendship were never real. You may also come to the deeply disappointing conclusion that your counterfeit friend deceived you and others by creating multiple layers of fabricated personality traits, which were designed to benefit him. In other words, you will be shocked at the realization that your friend’s generous, unconditionally loving and altruistic persona was nothing more than an Oscar-worthy performance that was developed, practiced and honed through a long list of other discredited and discarded “friends.”
- Is there reciprocity in the relationship? Is there give and take, or is one person always the giver and the other always the taker?
- Are you able to be yourself in this relationship? Do you find you have to play down your talents to make the friend feel less threatened? Or does this friend celebrate you and allow you to shine in your own right?
- Does the friend exploit you for his or her own ends, or just cherish what you bring to the relationship?
I have a lot of excellent qualities which would make me an excellent candidate to be someone’s friend. Not some lower tiered friend but someone who has respect and reciprocation.
Being shy, sensitive, not a blind follower, intelligent and someone who doesn’t piss around their hard earned wages with the Joneses – also I am a very “Real” person who is unlikely to pussyfoot or bullshit through things (waaaay too honest for my own good sometimes).
This afternoon, I found out my long time high school acquaintance (someone I was previously very friendly with) only wanted to come to my wedding for money. The person runs a local business, me being me wanted to do a bit of support and find someone to potentially make “adult friends” with. It can be very eye-opening (again) when someone is purely seeing you or trying to use you for money.
I’ve always had ‘friends’ who wanted me for something:
Wanting more than “friendship” (former male friends and a girl who was into me but I told her I wasn’t interested in her)
Whether it was listening to them and their bullshit problems
Letting them model for my projects or showcasing their services
Giving them lifts or car rides – they chucked the shits when I wasn’t able to drop them off at home when they lived an hour away from me
Using me for perceived money
Inviting me to events and ignoring me
SO has no problems being friendly or attracting friends and people just naturally love him. People just naturally love and gravitate towards him – I can’t even catch a break! Waahhh…. I get frustrated because I want friends and I want friends at our wedding – real ones. I’ve asked SO to help me with social events, obviously with his better track record, to help give me pointers as to what I am doing wrong! I want the opportunity to showcase me!