Recently, SO hasn’t been right.
From being very happy about wedding planning to plain obsessive, neurotic and repetitive – I just can’t help him or help him work things out. I’ve asked him (outside of TRYING to support him) to consider seeking cognitive therapy. But he won’t take any advice on board.
Sometimes traits can be emotionally or mentally overwhelming for me; I have to engage in my own mental welfare and I can’t just be the emotional crutch because one minor fuck up or incident which has been blown from a mole hill in the day. I am absolutely drained from dealing with one crisis to another mean personality each day… it’s not SO and I want him to feel better but he needs to address his issues.
The New Job
I can’t remember if I blogged about this…but recently after I ended up losing my job, SO wanted to get a new job. Not like SO actually did any of the work or motivated himself to change his circumstances…so while I was unemployed, I helped him out by applying for some new jobs which were a step up from his disorganised and over reliant ex-boss (and also the ex-boss who screwed me over…whom he has ‘politely decided to invite to the wedding’…I feel betrayed that he is inviting every man and his dog for our wedding and invites the one person I don’t want anywhere near me).
Anyway, Mr. Lucky got three job offers and had his pick of where he wanted to go. All were working in a (supposedly) professional environment and he ended up picking a similar role to his former job; but it has a longer commute. People love SO and he is a good, personable person who I think would fit in anywhere if he had proactive behaviours and better confidence/coping skills. So getting a new interview won’t be hard for him!
Personally, I feel that if the commute is too hard, he should have chosen a city job. Apparently that job was morally corrupting – but it’s his choice. So when he has the commute, he tells me it’s my fault and how much he hates going to work so early. He tells me in a text, that he never wanted a new job and it was my fault for applying for this current job. It’s so disorganised that it’s worse than his former workplace. Then I get a text WITHIN THE FUCKING HOUR saying the new boss tells him he is doing great. Then SO calls or whines in texts for hours (all work day) about how horrible his job is and when I see him in person, he acts like nothing has happened! Then it’s 7/10 times like nothing has happened.
SO is very good at what he does. He lacks confidences and is incapable of taking criticism well. He wants to the top boss or control a situation; that’s what he used to do in his previous job. Threatening to go back to his former workplace, it’s really on him to make that choice. But then he changes his mind because he won’t be paid well. Or he will be called every time something goes wrong. I get working with a shit boss…but when I HATE my workplace…I am applying for new jobs. I don’t sit there and bitch and verbally say I will do something. If you want something, you need to grab it by the balls and change your own path.
I get that he was working overtime hours (not that he needed to but he still WANTED to do that) but he’s not the personality type that is capable of taking advice or criticism on board from others; and certainly cannot relax. He has to do it. Or something “bad” will happen. Nothing bad will happen. I am appreciative of him and what he brings to the table – but I am wearing thin with the constant mixed messages.
He gets himself worked up so much you would think he was engaged in a nervous or mental breakdown. I am not using these words lightly – but he isn’t capable of helping himself and doesn’t appear to have any coping or motivational skills to change things. It’s bitch first and hindsight that it was an overreaction later (and he says so in most of these texts/calls I get during the day).
One of SO’s, and mine, similar traits is that we are both perfectionists. I do this in my work, sometimes my art and when I run my hobby business. SO does this 24/7 – he has particular ways of doing or wanting things; and will throw a tantrum if things don’t go his way. SO takes this to new extremes. Like being six hours early for an airplane because he doesn’t want to miss our international flight.
If I don’t immediately tell SO what is for dinner (since he works further and later I am now doing some more cooking…even though I used to love cooking but he told me that he thinks my cooking is shit)…SO will call me after work or repeatedly send me 5 texts in a minute demanding. He says he gets anxious about his diet and wants to control his diet. When he is in Hangry Mode – it’s like dealing with another person. The Hangry SO is like an evil version of this respectful character.
I think SO just wants things to be high pay, loved by all and in charge.
But he has to earn/work for them – and if he is super unhappy – SO needs to be the one who looks for things to do on the weekend, SO needs to be the proactive person in changing his own career – not me.
Repetitive Thought Processes/Repeating Himself
I’ve covered some of this but every time I wake up or leave SO by himself for a few minutes (I could be in another room at home) – he starts muttering some really nasty things about himself. I am concerned this is some kind of nervous/mental breakdown because no one sits there and says such horrible shit. I am not going to repeat it but I don’t like being around someone who lightly uses terms because they “hate themselves”. He really has nothing to hate; he needs some cognitive help from a professional who can help practice mindfulness and stop offloading onto me.
Or he texts me the SAME THING about his emotions all fucking day long. I am a proactive person…I wish SO would stop living in his head, be more sociable, get a life on the weekends and not act like a broken record.
The more neurotic he becomes – he less he sleeps. And the nastier he has been recently. I don’t sleep at the same time as him – so I don’t think it’s fair if he sleeps in the bedroom at 9PM that I have to immediately go back with him – especially when I sleep at 12PM. We have a couple of spare beds/places to sleep in the night – but nothing is working for him and I think it’s psychological. I can imagine him having a lot of racing thoughts… I do actually have sincere concern he needs cognitive help.
Sometimes the recent SO has treated me more like his surrogate mum rather than his fiancée. He constantly whines for food (he does cook a lot of the time because in his words – he is controlling about what he eats and previously said my cooking tastes like shit) – he whines when he hears something he doesn’t like. Like me saying be proactive or you should get out of the house more. He thinks when I say that it’s because I don’t like him or he thinks I want to spend money.
If SO has a problem with someone, I am asked to hide his phone so he can’t drunk facebook anyone (and then he carries on when he is drunk) and when he’s too hungover to work (not in this new job but sometimes in previous job) I would have to call or text his boss like a mum. I expect to be doing that shit maybe once in a blue moon – not hiding someone because they are hungover.