My engagement and wedding-that-never-is feels like a continual contentious issue. A fucking wedding is supposed to be the next step about bringing people together and about a couple BOTH wanting to do things officially (like paperwork, taxes, legally being able to own property together).
From the beginning I have always wanted to be engaged and married in my mid-to-late twenties. It’s very important for me because it’s common here and for me – that is what feels right. I don’t want to be a single in my 30s or an older mother – I feel that is selfish and takes away things I want to do like career or pursuing hobbies/dreams/travelling.
I didn’t lie when I said I wanted this and it’s not something, that anyone can change my mind about. I’ve also been equally happy to say that if I didn’t find/get/fulfil myself with my current situation/environment. I would be very happy to leave it. That applies for education, jobs, friendships and above all relationships.
SO has been up and down about whether he actually wants to get married. He might LIKE what he currently has – but it is no different to what marriage is. This toying of feelings has really crossed a line for me tonight.
Can you imagine that someone only proposed/proposes to you because they “feel” like they had to do it? Is that supposed to make the person being proposed to (me) feel so amazing and wonderful about that relationship?
RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. YOU ONLY MAKE THEM HARD WHEN YOU BRING HANG UPS INTO THEM! RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT 2 PEOPLE. NOT ONE AND THE OTHER HAS TO PUT UP WITH THE “NON-ROMANTIC” ONE’S HANG UP CRAP.
That is a very relationship-damaging sentence. Oh I had to do something. No – marriage is something you want – it shouldn’t be a chore or a thing where you think – oh we’re married now, I live, I do my 9-5 job, I have kids, I retire. I die. People aren’t attached to kids in the way you have to entirely live your life around them. You can still go to the pub. You can still go watch sports. I can persue hobbies and travel wherever I wanted. People only put as much effort into a relationship – and right now I am giving and not getting much emotionally.
Things are OK but you want something more than just food, shelter or because they buy you daily things (SO won’t hardly buy presents because he likes budgeting and saving) and his idea of romance is doing the dishes/cooking a daily meal. Great- romance is also about doing the emotional things too. It’s about hugging, kissing, fucking – emotional tactile contact. SO equates romance to Hollywood and people getting the wrong ideas from grandiose gestures and how people with money can’t be happy (I think he thinks that I think hollywood = romance).
He also thinks that my familial nemesis isn’t someone I should be comparing myself to – because with that cunty behaviour (that’s a whole different blog post) it was more like a need (to get $$$$$$$$$ into a wealthy family from what I was told) rather than what he considered true love. He also said I wasn’t remotely like my [familial nemesis] so I shouldn’t do the online spying or comparing anymore. And that she isn’t married yet (we are several months apart in age) so why am I worrying about getting married?
SO wants the trimmings of a relationship – basically dating with a ring. Because people in “his culture” think the 20s is too young. When has he ever done anything that was culturally acceptable – if he “followed his culture” we would have broken up when his mother wanted, if he was doing “his culture” he would be living at home (old enough not to be living at home) doing the career she wanted and he would be listening and being the white knight for any family crap that goes on – in other words pussywhipped. SO told me that he has family members that got engaged after 10+ years. And? They aren’t in our relationship. They might not be mature enough. Since he doesn’t give a fuck about what people think anyway – he does what he wants – why would someone snubbing him in a country he no longer lives in matter? He is still himself. He will still be the same person with the same relationships but married. He can still love all his family members without me and they will not refer to me “as the girlfriend” which is insulting as hell (especially since 5-10 years [not revealing exact time] ) isn’t exactly a quick fuck and on to the next one. A family unit (that actually love each other) are usually better together. There’s no vibes of abuse. It’s simply an excuse to avoid getting married. I think the “culture excuse” is a cop out for other deep seated emotions or a fear that marriage will stop him living out his life and dreams.
If something happened to him – I would have no legal say (his family would) and while I might know what he wants – what if they disagreed? What if we had kids together and he fucked off with them (parent alienation?) – oh they have different surnames from me – so they wouldn’t be able to be returned easily (easier for them to slip into different countries). If we had property together – his family would legally be able to claim the entitlements and if I had kids with SO – those kids could end up with nothing or they would not inherit anything (it could be something as sentimental as his favourite book or sporting memorabilia) – especially with property because I would essentially have to ask his family to sell where I live – and they wouldn’t live near me/future kids. They could also fuck me over financially (even if I had a share in something) or deny me (like Stieg Larsson case in Sweden) if they didn’t like me or had some pathetic grudge.
I wouldn’t be so angry if I actually felt like my needs and wants were being taken into consideration. To say “if I knew you were going to say these things (ask about the wedding date and why his family STILL haven’t been told) then I would have never proposed to you.”
Those 2 statements are so hurtful that it’s not funny. aND IF YOU DON’T RECOGNISE THAT IS A VERY NASTY AND MISLEADING THING TO DO TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING “YOU LOVE” THEN YOU SHOULD BE SINGLE, LIVE WITH a fucking blow up doll, a watermelon, a hot pie which you can heat up in the microwave and a flesh light sex toy (this applies to all men.)
Why should my dream/a goal of mine be shat all over because there are hang ups (which you seek a relationship councillor – because it is common for men to freak out about getting married) and prolong and ruin what was supposed to be a very happy time? I don’t want to look back in a year, two years, five or even 10 years – feel like my happiness was dismissed because I was a second choice in terms of commitment.
Just simply, why would you ask someone to marry you and then you ask them to start making wedding plans and you can’t do basic things like talk about a wedding invite or date.
I am not going to have my parents at any wedding of mine and I expect a runner at this stage. I also expect my mother to rock up to the church in her own wedding dress (but that is a very “hollywood” thought).
Fucking A+ for consideration, romance and being a fucking obtuse tool.