Doing Interview Aptitude Tests

I am doing so many job interviews and pre-interviews that these stupid tests are all a blur for me. I am absolutely baffled why some employers think I have the time to sit there and work on a PHD Thesis to explain or show why  I want fucking employment. I only care about saying what is accurate for what the employer wants to get the bloody job (if psychopaths in my former workplace got hired for being pure psychos then why shouldn’t I fare a chance at a job too?)

Talk about jumping through fucking hoops lol! I still do these tests but unless I am being interviewed (there is usually a less than 50% chance that I do when filling these out) then why bother unless I am there at the interview???

Here are some of the dumbest, funniest and plain WTF tests some employers have sent to me (and no I did not get ANY of those interviews….) :

Personality Tests

Obviously since I have been criticized for being too shy in interviews (therefore not being a good ‘cultural fit’) I can’t really show my ‘true’ personality off – and it is trying to fake it (or fake being a happy happy joy joy extrovert) when I am really an introvert who likes well paying jobs and being autonomous and couldn’t give a fuck about workplace dramas.

Personality tests involving generic statements

Here are a sample of statements that I have recently seen (and rolled my eyes about and laughed my ass off at):

  • I like everyone I meet.
  • I’d rather do things quickly than perfectly.
  • I have never told a lie in my life.
  • If you were at a party would you stay around or go home early?
  • I like to be surrounded by people
  • Do I think imagination or rational thinking is important?
  • How do I feel about going with the flow or scheduled?
  • Do I like having difficult conversations
  • Do I like having a tidy desk or a messy desk?

Like most people I just use the standard response to get the interview. It doesn’t matter if I told a porky about loving to be around my co-workers or that I would never value a good paying job to leave for a better one. I have studied psychology and read enough “how to pass personality tests” that I always get called for interviews after using the standard answers. No one wants to know about the crazy side of Elle until AFTER I have the offer and the foot in the door (and they legally can’t get rid of me :D)

If you were a….

Here are some funny ones that have been thrown at me and what I would have LIKED to have responded with:

  • What drives you in your professional life? – staying employed…money…not killing my crazy, lazy co-workers

a colour, an animal, a plant, a day, a month…and the list goes on and fucking on lol…

Why does that have any relevance to working in an office????????? Having studied psychology I get why you would be asked this – it gets your temprament and your creative/logical reasoning. But an employer pinning all of their hopes into the future employee being an identical clone of the employer is a seriously ridiculious expectation.

Maths, Science & Physics

Numbers are not my strong point (and rarely relevant to what I am doing for a career) – I understand the would be employee needs to be literate and numeracy friendly.

Although most people would work out that if I have tertiary education – it probably means I am not your average garden gnome dummy who doesn’t know what 2+2 = or how to spell some basic words (grammar is another story…but at least I TRY!) I am just going to come out and say it. I am not a numbers person. I need a calculator for help and shouldn’t be penalized out of employment for it! Most people I know are in the same boat (I can do some basic calculations without the calculator but have always struggled throughout school with numbers).  I don’t care for maths or science – there are plenty of people out there who do. I can do the basics. I don’t have any interest in the subject; which probably explains why I suck at it on a postgraduate level.

But if the dumbass person who wants me to do a stupid test actually READ my resume – then maybe I wouldn’t have to sit such as basic and demeaning test? I would hardly sit at my future work desk and start emailing the boss

“WHAZZZUP BOZZ MAN/WOMYN – I IS FINISHED WITH MY WORK LOLZ! RU GOING 2 COME LOOK AT IT?”

For one position which was basically doing office work on a computer – I had this test which wanted me to use physics to calculate newtons and mass weights…I was like “hold up! why do I need to revisit high school maths (which I wasn’t any good at!) to show competency when using a computer? and doing something as basic as Microsoft Suite?” Like because I failed physics in high school – does that mean I automatically rejected myself from the job?

^ Positive attitude right???

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